"Blame My Momma"
Living in a different culture means learning a different culture's standard of courtesy.
My second day in Japan taught me something that I am a little scared to share (for fear that my mom would fly over to Gibb’s slap me). I walked into a Starbucks and there were three old ladies behind me. I held the door for them and allowed them to pass. They walked in and then paused in line next to the entrance. The three little grannies took a deep bow as I walked past them. Confused, I looked ahead to find my boss walking quickly away from me. He’s from Oklahoma… he oughtta know to hold the door open for people. Didn’t his momma raise him right? I rushed to catch up with him and he said, “We don’t do that here. Tough habit to break, but we don’t hold doors for others in Tokyo often.”
My mom always set a high standard of excellence for my brother and me. I am grateful for it and in no way am I diminishing the value of that expectation (I’m on my best behavior because she will read this). This expectation included a demand for utmost courtesy, chivalry, and carefulness in speech. Everyone is ma’am or sir. We must always prefer others to ourselves in service. Always give up your seat. Always go get the drinks or refills. Always hold the door for others. This is not a bad thing by any means. I think it is a very good thing. In Bossier City, Louisiana, it was not just the ideal, but the expectation for good young men. The problem arises when I am no longer in Bossier City.
In Japan the standard for courtesy is different. It is just as high and excellent. It is more widely followed by the population than our standard in the South is followed. When you are not aware of the cultural difference in standard for courtesy, you create awkward situations… and I am a hurricane of causing awkward situations. My first was with the three little old ladies. I held the door open for them. Obviously, that is kind. Still, because the standard of courtesy is different, it is not expected. Because it is overly kind and unexpected for a strange, foreign man to hold the door, the women responded by offering high respect in their bows. It made me feel awkward because why did I deserve bows? I was just doing what my mom had always taught me to do. This is a positive example, but there have also been negative ones… times when I broke an expectation of courtesy in Japan that is not a normal expectation in my hometown.
In my upbringing, I was taught that it was rude to mumble or speak quietly to people. You must speak clearly and at a normal volume for the people and setting. This was a standard of courtesy. Alternatively, in Japan, the expectation is to speak quietly to others. There have been many times when this loud, obnoxious American has followed his customs out of habit and gotten himself in trouble. I don’t mean to be rude, but I am being rude by being too loud. I have to regularly remind myself to use my “inside voice” in Japan.
When it comes to these differences in standards of courtesy, it is important to defer to the setting that you are in. Since I am in Japan, I should follow the Japanese customs. When you are engaging with people from another culture, try to give them the benefit of the doubt. They may be trying to show you courtesy in their own way. Conversely, they may not be behaving rudely intentionally. Their culture’s standard of courtesy may be different. I have plenty of room to grow when it comes to Japanese standards of courtesy, but I have many friends guiding me along the way. They correct me kindly and show me the best ways to show kindness in a culture different from my own. We must all work together to show courtesy in our work and daily life.